I cannot believe I haven't being here for almost 10 months.
Plenty of things happened over that time.
Well...
I had my ups and downs, little romance with depression, almost quit my job, fall in love, gave up on idea of being in love, lost friends, made some new friendships, graduated, decided to take a gap year, applied for a new job, gave up on new job and started uni to top up my degree, was fighting with my family and friends, now I'm making up to them for being such a horrible little bitch and I'm here, sitting in front of the screen cause after all, it's the only place where I could say how I actually feel.
and I feel lost. I feel like there's no other way out, no possibility for being me, no strength for fighting.
Sometimes too many opportunities are coming and you think you made a right decision, everybody's happy with your decision like you couldn't make a better one but you're having second thoughts because it might not be the time for such a move, like you should have wait. That's probably the reason why I feel lost because I don't want to give up on my dream and I don't want to disappoint people who believe in me. I don't want my family to be ashamed of me, To crush their trust and support that they've put in me. These people. They gave me so much. I have promised them I'll fight and I'm afraid I can't keep that promise. I just can't.
I feel like I'm in the corner of a room and all I want is to disappear. Even just for a while. For a short moment or a blink of an eye. Funny, isn't it? The girl who never wanted to be alone, who has so many friends and based hers life on making others happy, making their life special wants to be alone, is separating herself from people caring about her.
I don't know is this the best idea but it's the only one I've got. I'm exhausted. My mind wants to sleep, not to think about problems, to stop rewinding past in order to find moments when everything started falling apart because I can't go back to make them right. I don't know what to do. I'm tired of trying to be perfect, smiley, building the facade of happy girl who's never giving up...
Should I really take a year off in order to figure out what do I want from my life, what do I want from and for myself? Time off to clear my head and to make the stress go because I don't know how long, how much my body can take. Falling apart... Losing ground...
Temptation is big. On the other hand, education was my biggest dream and when it was taken away from me I was devastated. New opportunities came and I gave them up because of another chance for having a full degree. I took it. and now I feel like I'm missing a piece. I've started regretting my decision. Doubts are not helping in finding the balance.
Wish I could be a stone... Lying by the road. Not having any feeling, no emotions or choices, nothing. Just lying there.
Nothing's right. Not like it used to be. Just wanna get back the balance, the life that was making me happy. Real smiles instead of fake ones. Eyes wide open, deep breaths.
But first I have to figure out do I want to run and jump or do I want to write another chapter. Because it might be too early to finish the book of life....
