Let's face it,
we were programmed for wanting and expecting.
We were taught to give and to let go.
Sometimes I feel like we're expecting to much from the life and so called 'faith'. We're forgetting that we're our faith and destiny. What ever we do, the consequences of our moves, that's our faith. Our destiny.
We want too much. We expect too much. From people around us, from strangers, friends. From ourselves.
We focus too much on waiting for the big unknown instead of creating it.
Yes, you might not know but you can create that amazing thing waiting for you behind the mountain.
I always wanted to feel something special, wanted to be better than others, wanted to be different, to be the one and only. I wanted to trust people and not have to worry about tomorrow cause they'll be there for me. I wanted all of that more than anything.
But obviously, I expected too much from them, from myself. And here I am. Sad, with tears in my eyes in front of my laptop thinking, the only thing I'm sure in my life is that I'm working all day tomorrow.
We can't treat people like subjects, we can't just expect them to act the certain way (the way we want them to act/be or whatsoever). We had to learn that we can't take things from people and not give anything in return. Whenever I'm making a friendship with someone and it means something for me, I'm giving them a piece of me, my Nana calls it connection. we're linked with people who are important. Simple exchange but with big invisible power.
And here comes the 'let go' lesson.
Because sometimes those people have to go, without you, you have to let them go. And it hurts. Hurts as hell. It's like losing a part of yourself, part of your own being. It's total insanity. You're in pieces, maybe they are too.
And you're thinking, did I want too much? What I've done wrong? Maybe I expected too much? Maybe I didn't give them enough/ what they wanted / etc.
I wonder who will be part of my life in 10 years, will the people who are in it now stay with me? I have no idea. I have to stop being a wanting/expecting pussy and create my own faith without giving pieces of Carol to people who clearly don't deserve to be called friends. I have to stop trusting and believe that people don't change into monsters and they are the same lovely awesome bffs. Because they're not. People do change, for better, for worse.
It's sad that I can't be there to help them, to pull them out from that shit.
We are the lords of our lifes.
No more begging, nor trusting, wanting, expecting.
Don't teach me everything.
Don't say what to do.
Just be with me. In silence, in laugh, for good or for bad. That's what friends are for.
Be human. Not a pussy.