Merry Xmas

"The most important thing in life is your family. There are days you love them and others you don’t, but in the end they’re the people you always come home to. Sometimes it’s the family you’re born into. And sometimes it’s the one you make for yourself."
May you have a happy holiday, shared with your family.


wow long time no see....
looks alike I'm coming here in trouble or when I've got a question or problem.
many things happened. been to Paris, didn't like it. my film almost failed my show almost did too. 
I almost got my heart broken. oh and I've spent a week in Poland. was lovely. disputing the fact I'm more a like in need of a knee surgery. the best case scenario is a physical therapy. well I'll probably need a mental one too. ladies and gentlemen, the crazy auntie has arrived.

the reason why I've came back is tomorrow. or today.
I'm gonna be 22. sounds horrible, ridiculous and pretty much, scary.
it's no longer a child who became an adult. I'm adult now. funny fan fact- still living with parents.
I'm afraid I'm not progressing as fast as I would like to. and I keep failing and hurting people who I love. 
Everything happening around is touching me but only slightly. Like wind, not evolving the changes but you can feel it. but it's not forcing you to take any steps against it. 
got an offer. can keep a flat abroad but have to pay bills. not so bad but then heard how much it would be and started thinking do I even wanna live there one day or when all of my people will be gone would I be paying visits or just leave it the way it is, pretending my nationality never happened. pretending I'm the citizen of the world (but to be true I always felt like one, may have got roots and be attached but world is too big to waist my time for just one place).

My sister's 20. I'm almost 22 (just minutes....) and what are we going to do with our lifes?
do we need a push or are we hiding from the truth?


small fool

sometimes it's about time to fly. we all have wings. just not all of us know how to straight them.
never thought my wings can fly with the wind.
was afraid of using them leaving my safe place.
but it's different now and I'm growing up, turning into a person I always wanted to be.
in about a year my wings will take me far away. that's the plan. but time will show.

I feel like last few months were under control of a gremlin who enjoyed watching me falling apart over and over again. and trust me there's nothing cool in having your soul broken apart every day. you can take it once, maybe twice. but not more. cause it's killing you on the inside.

I was not only afraid to face myself but to face my pain. Now I know that I was an emotional wreck and how to deal with that.

Maybe becoming a grown-up is about going through harsh days on our own, learning our lessons with a teacher and dealing with pain (here should underline that first pain is leaving but the one that hurts the most is mostly caused by us reminding, thinking and saying horrible things when looking into mirror) .

6 weeks and 3 days. nothing will change. one year older. maybe one year wiser.
one year closer to becoming a true grown-up.
we'll see.


Raise the Dead - Rachel Rabin

everything is changin', happenin' so fast.

takin' a lot on my head, running around doing more than should

but I am happy. even without him


one song and thousand thoughts...

And we keep running away from ourselves,
from problems,
from people
from the present
from the past
we keep running away because our wounds are still open and we're not strong enough to confront the world
maybe we're still kids who need a help to solve the mystery maybe we're not who we taught we are.


I've been told to be the best but at the same time they were tellin' me I'm not good enough. Didn't matter what I did, I heard 'she sucks. she can't do anythin' good' and I believed that.
I believed I'm worse than others, I believed whatever I'll say will be stupid (because I am stupid) and my dreams are pointless because I'm not good enough to make them come true. Because I'm ordinary.

My point is that I don't fell ordinary. I never did. I was always different. Maybe crazy. I know what people think about me and that it's hard to like me without tryin' to know me ( because who wants to be friends with a crazy person. )


I know I'm silly, childish, sometimes even immature but it doesn't mean I'm worse or stupid. Maybe I see things differently. Like today I admitted my brother is fit. and people were like whoa you can't say that. well I can. It's a fact. he's fit. and as his sister I should admit it. I know how much effort he puts to look good, how much time he spends at the gym, takes vitamins, drinks shakes. I know all of that and I'm proud of him cause he does it for himself nor society or girls.
I see things black or white. There's good and there's evil. Simple.

I've learnt few things recently about myself  and I'm going to develop this amazing knowledge about my weird brain.

We can't destroy someone because we think he's different, we can't tell 'em they're useless or ordinary. Because everyone is different in their own extraordinary magical way. We breath with the same air, our hearts pomp blood in the same way, we're looking at the same blue sky so why trying to be better by making others feel small? It doesn't make you taller. It makes you a cheater. You can be better at something like riding a bike, singing or making films but non of us have the power or acquiescence to be better than others because of their status, money or body.

God, I'm so happy I'm no longer in high school. But with what I've learnt in England about life and Carol so far, I would be walking with my head high. But high school is in the past. Buried deep down.
now is present. brand new day.
slowly pieces are coming together to create something big.
going to Poland next month, 2weeks later going to Paris.
couldn't be happier.
and my own McDreamy came back. and I was worried cause 2 guys is too much. we'll see. wanna be on my own now. it's the me time.


Evanescence~ Missing (lyrics)

not gonna talk, not gonna breathe,

it'll be like I do not exist

and then I'll come back




I've been going through my previous posts and realised how good this year has been so far. I've learnt plenty of things, met wonderful people, discovered who I can trust and who deserve a little push from the stairs. Year of laughs and cries but everyday is making me stronger, growing and preparing to be a woman I want to be. I'm really feeling blessed.                

Now, I'm not posting a lot and I'm sorry for that. Wanna write about so many things but I'm working all the time and haven't got much time left for sharing my thoughts and experiences with you, strangers and friends.
but I promised to do sth to change that for better ;)

Now it's raining so I'm gonna dedicate myself to the chilled weather, wind and chilled music by Delilah so I can think about changes I'm about to do as I'm at the point of redefining my life.
But let's keep new definitions for the next post. when I'll be able to share it and speak out loud about changes.....

Love you all,
C xxxxxx


Röyksopp -You don't have a clue

Now you're just pretending
You're hiding from yourself
Yes you are, yes you are
Like golden rays of sun in the cloud


wanting and expecting

Let's face it,
we were programmed for wanting and expecting.
We were taught to give and to let go.

Sometimes I feel like we're expecting to much from the life and so called 'faith'. We're forgetting that we're our faith and destiny. What ever we do, the consequences of our moves, that's our faith. Our destiny.
We want too much. We expect too much. From people around us, from strangers, friends. From ourselves.
We focus too much on waiting for the big unknown instead of creating it.
Yes, you might not know but you can create that amazing thing waiting for you behind the mountain.

I always wanted to feel something special, wanted to be better than others, wanted to be different, to be the one and only. I wanted to trust people and not have to worry about tomorrow cause they'll be there for me. I wanted all of that more than anything.
But obviously, I expected too much from them, from myself. And here I am. Sad, with tears in my eyes in front of my laptop thinking, the only thing I'm sure in my life is that I'm working all day tomorrow.

We can't treat people like subjects, we can't just expect them to act the certain way (the way we want them to act/be or whatsoever). We had to learn that we can't take things from people and not give anything in return. Whenever I'm making a friendship with someone and it means something for me, I'm giving them a piece of me, my Nana calls it connection. we're linked with people who are important. Simple exchange but with big invisible power.

And here comes the 'let go' lesson.
Because sometimes those people have to go, without you, you have to let them go. And it hurts. Hurts as hell. It's like losing a part of yourself, part of your own being. It's total insanity. You're in pieces, maybe they are too.
And you're thinking, did I want too much? What I've done wrong? Maybe I expected too much? Maybe I didn't give them enough/ what they wanted / etc.

I wonder who will be part of my life in 10 years, will the people who are in it now stay with me? I have no idea. I have to stop being a wanting/expecting pussy and create my own faith without giving pieces of Carol to people who clearly don't deserve to be called friends. I have to stop trusting and believe that people don't change into monsters and they are the same lovely awesome bffs. Because they're not. People do change, for better, for worse.
It's sad that I can't be there to help them, to pull them out from that shit.

We are the lords of our lifes.
No more begging, nor trusting, wanting, expecting.
Don't teach me everything.
Don't say what to do.
Just be with me. In silence, in laugh, for good or for bad. That's what friends are for.

Be human. Not a pussy.


I spoke to Serena, she's really down now. She lost a friend few weeks ago and she lost herself for  a guy who's not noticing her. She was my 'looking-upto' model. She was strong, independent and mature. She's nothing alike that girl I met months ago. She sent me a link to the quote -> Why is it so hard to get over someone that never even loved you? Why is it no one understands your pain? Why is they never understand that when we say I'm Fine it's always a lie? Why is it we've been telling people I'm fine for so long they never even see behind the masks we wear? We get pushed to the limit, we break and we do the same thing over and over again and they still never figure it out. My only question is, Why?

I don't know what more can I do for her. She's in pieces and I feel like I'm an useless friend :(


music changes everything

whenever I'm feeling down or happy music's there with me. Making me feel positive about everything.
This week in my top 10 are....

I've changed. a lot.
and now I feel like a fallen angel.
and it feels so good....


looking back....

This year had a good start, I was happy, everything looked good and perspectives were amazing and I still feel like it's gonna be my year, a year when impossible is possible and I'm finding my way.
Well, last few weeks were hard and few things changed. Maybe I've changed, a little bit.
It's a good change though.
The summer break will be a big test what I'm capable of and am I ready for next big steps. I hope I am as my beautiful domino decided to fall and I had to repair few things. Summer plans were smashed by reality but I'm not going to surrender just because of few little failures the universe sent on me.
I'm coming back stronger and hungry. The hunger of success is big.
Hope my body is ready for changes 'cause my soul is not going to fail this time.

C xxxx


yeah I know,
I haven't been here for a while, but there was a factual to be made, new series of \eskay today, all the deadlines and assessments.
but I'm back and I've got a song for ya.
and I'm gonna be here during the summer ;)
so stick around. ;)


I hope y'all gonna have an amazing week :)
Mine's will be extremely busy as I've got a deadline on Friday but can't complete my project cause have an interview on Tuesday and still have to record VO (on Wednesday).
so please, keep your fingers crossed for me ;)



no make-up selfie

You've probably noticed new facebook trend - no make-up selfie as an awarness of cancer and form of supporting charities.
I'm sorry but I don't see the point of taking a pic and posting in on facebook. That's what we do everyday and I have no idea how's that supporting any charity. You're not donating anything, not supporting or volunteering in this big war with the cancer. 
It's just a photo you may post anyway. Ha, maybe sayin' ooohhhh I'm so ugly etc just to get likes and comments sayin' u r beautiful, luv ya pretty, omg u look great.
I went shopping today and when came to paying cashier asked me do I wanna donate a pound or more for a charity. Yeah, why not. It's real money goin' to 'em and helping in the cancer research 
Or you can do what Cat did

Choice is yours, but please, #selfie, seriously?


resurrection of the music list

it's time to resurrect music posts :)
hope you're ready cause I've got few good tunes ;)

here's my number one of the past week -


perfect morning- sitting in the garden, drinking coffee, weather is beautiful. like the one I had in Poland.
wish in the future my life will be like that, chill morning with a good music, working since very morning in the garden and thinking about life.
so far, so good.
pieces are coming together, I'm happy.
during last weeks many things happened. good and bad but mostly good.
not gonna hide, not gonna run,
will face challenges life is giving to me.
I was like a child afraid of changes and life.
Now I'm growing up and still making mistakes but life depends on them cause mistakes are lessons. and we learn from them.


spent amazing 10 days in Poland
friends reminded me who I am and what's my price
not gonna forget my pride 
will stay the same
thought a lot about many things
and now I know that I'm more important than some people who are messing with my head and tryin' to change me.


according to the fact that both, me and Serena got too many things going on now and we're kinda lost we won't be posting for a while.


written by Serena

Loving him was hard. It was full of pain and tears. Carol said that one day I'll forget and will be able to fall in love again.
She was wrong.
He was the love of my life.
And even if it was hard and he hurt me many times, he was part of me. It was difficult but also beautiful.
He made me feel powerful, full of energy and I was ready to go across the world for him.
Loving him was my goal.
Now he's gone.
And I would be able to love another man as much as I loved him if I would have got a heart.
But he took mine so I won't love anybody else the way I loved him.

Now I know what Carol meant by saying that even the most beautiful love can be destructive and take away everything you've got and even more...


I'm lost..........

Sometimes I feel like it's the only place where I am safe...
I'm lost and I don't know what to do. There's so many emotions in me. Too many...
Can't stop crying and thinking. I'm over-thinking.
I'm just constantly sad and dunno how to stop faking smiles and have a real one. I forgot how to be happy.

Don't know what to do. Should I run, scream, cry or what?
It's like there\s a hole in me, in my soul.
Good news, I've got a soul. See, even been sarcastic is not working......

My old laptop's disc memory has been cleaned. From few thousands of photos they got back less than a hundred. Unfortunately, half of them should never be seen, bad memories or the memories I wanted to erase.

Why my past have to come back to me, haunt me like a Baskervilles dog to make my sadness even worse......
I just don't get it. Is God playing with me or is it my mind?

I feel like I won't be able to be happy again...............


Curriculum is a mess. Is that good for history?

Is an actual curriculum the opposite of real idea of teaching? Unrelated topics, focusing on the exam practice, lack of facts. No place for human and real life.

History is about changes in society and human growth, as a person and as a part of the community. The study of the past gives us an opportunity to understand ourselves, our countries and even a contemporary policy. How will students obtain to this conclusion if they have a little sense about chronology of the events?
A Department for Education spokesperson said: "Our curriculum review is not about teaching any kind of misguided nationalism in schools. To suggest otherwise is insulting to the professionalism of teachers.”
I agree that the curriculum needed a modernization. The new curriculum changed history lessons, but not for better. Gove said „a review of the national curriculum should lead to a better balanced study of history that placed greater emphasis on understanding Britain's past” but A-level lessons about Great Britain’s history are still confines into the source studying.
Other thing is that, children are studying events from the other centuries and what’s more, these events have nothing in common between them, e.g. ‘Hitler and the Henrys’ programme, almost 500 years between them and no match point. It’s very easy for a mistake at the assessment, isn’t it?
I tried put myself at the position of students and all I can say is ‘madness’. But I understand the government, or I tried to. New curriculum, probably, is not so costly and, in the future, they will have the perfect working-class – scantily educated, believing in every word of politicians.
The Better History Group,  which is  “a small Think Tank of experienced history teachers and lecturers concerned to improve the current position and quality of history in the school curriculum who wants better future for their children. How is it possible that parents and teachers have to establish a group which will fight to improve the current quality of the history in the curriculum, while it is the duty of the Minister of Education?
After reading their statement, I decided to support them. When I was a student, teachers said we have to learn about other countries to make our own a better one and end our insular habit of mind. I agree with that but The Better History Group has also right saying that “all children have the right to learn the history of the land where they live”.
People remember the Tudors because of the Henry’s VIII  attitude towards his wifes and the church reformation but during 108 years of their reign there was a big cultural development. Without Queen Elisabeth I’s permission for establishing The Globe (the second theater in London) in 1599, Shakespeare wouldn’t have an opportunity for showing his opuses. By that, the Queen had her own contribution into evolution of the masque structure and an antic order was just a memory. The Stuart dynasty continued that cultural development. If Elisabeth would have a successor, probably there wouldn’t be an incorporation of England and Scotland.
The Boer war WAS, because the British wanted Boer’s goods which have been discovered. But students won’t get this information at the lesson. It would derange students view on the Empire.
By ‘Hitler and the Henrys’ programme students are too much focused on the Nazi Germany so they don’t know the background of the enthronement of the present royal family.

Different nationality means different mentality. I remember my history lessons in Poland. When I was in the primary school and gymnasium, history was one of my favourite subjects. My teachers narrated history so I didn’t have to learn by heart for assessments because I remembered everything from the lesson. Children quicker will remember a name of the King who killed a dragon, than name of the King who in some year won the battle somewhere and trounced the Lord who had a dragon on his blazon. Children will easier remember something funny which they can easy imagine, e.g. Charlie Chaplin in his film ‘Dictator’ as Adolf Hitler- in short, easy and funny way he showed how Hitler wanted to get his hands on the world;  rather than one hundred facts which can be used as a bedtime story (they are so boring we’re falling asleep by listening to them).

One part of brain is for battle dates and names, and second part is for creativity and imagination. In my opinion, if children won’t use both of them for learning, they will forget everything till the exam. 24 hours after learning, human brain forgets 80 per cent of what we learnt and it’s a scientific fact. But it doesn’t change that many of teenagers, if not all of them, study a day before assessment or test.
In the United Kingdom is one writer who helps children in discovering other face of history. Terry Deary, in his books,  is focusing on human beings because as he said “when you understand why people behave the way they do, then the world becomes a better place”. Why didn’t Michael Gove reach a similar conclusion when he was re-writing the curriculum?

Terry Deary wrote ‘The Horrible Histories’ series which contains almost 100 books and they describe people’s life styles, daily duties, leisure activities and how events, which we are studying, affected ordinary people lifes. I think those books should be included in the curriculum, even reading them as homework, because they give an opportunity to complete children’s knowledge, especially in high schools where history lessons are often limited to the preparing for exams.
Students learn by heart how to field the exam paper or how to write an essay to get the highest mark but “what with preparing them to the normal life, parenting, socializing and budget management” asks Terry Deary in one of the interviews?  

                The main argument for changing the history curriculum is having well-educated inhabitants who will appreciate their country and will be proud of it. Teachers should mould the community capable of self-cultivation for good of the totality, am I right? But before government will do that, I’m going to the library and read some books about history of the United Kingdom. Not as a review for an exam but for enjoyment. 

The article was written in 2011 as an As English Language coursework piece.


ladies and gentlemen Carol wears size 16 :) yup yup
hip hip hooray


last few weeks were tiring. I'm exhausted. physically and mentally.
I'm a shadow of normal Carol....
just wanna lie down and cry/ and cuddle. and cry..................