Merry Xmas

"The most important thing in life is your family. There are days you love them and others you don’t, but in the end they’re the people you always come home to. Sometimes it’s the family you’re born into. And sometimes it’s the one you make for yourself."

May you have a happy holiday, shared with your family.

wow long time no see....

looks alike I'm coming here in trouble or when I've got a question or problem.

many things happened. been to Paris, didn't like it. my film almost failed my show almost did too. 

I almost got my heart broken. oh and I've spent a week in Poland. was lovely. disputing the fact I'm more a like in need of a knee surgery. the best case scenario is a physical therapy. well I'll probably need a mental one too. ladies and gentlemen, the crazy auntie has arrived.

the reason why I've came back is tomorrow. or today.

I'm gonna be 22. sounds horrible, ridiculous and pretty much, scary.

it's no longer a child who became an adult. I'm adult now. funny fan fact- still living with parents.

I'm afraid I'm not progressing as fast as I would like to. and I keep failing and hurting people who I love. 

Everything happening around is touching me but only slightly. Like wind, not evolving the changes but you can feel it. but it's not forcing you to take any steps against it. 

got an offer. can keep a flat abroad but have to pay bills. not so bad but then heard how much it would be and started thinking do I even wanna live there one day or when all of my people will be gone would I be paying visits or just leave it the way it is, pretending my nationality never happened. pretending I'm the citizen of the world (but to be true I always felt like one, may have got roots and be attached but world is too big to waist my time for just one place).

My sister's 20. I'm almost 22 (just minutes....) and what are we going to do with our lifes?

do we need a push or are we hiding from the truth?

small fool

sometimes it's about time to fly. we all have wings. just not all of us know how to straight them.
never thought my wings can fly with the wind.
was afraid of using them leaving my safe place.
but it's different now and I'm growing up, turning into a person I always wanted to be.
in about a year my wings will take me far away. that's the plan. but time will show.

I feel like last few months were under control of a gremlin who enjoyed watching me falling apart over and over again. and trust me there's nothing cool in having your soul broken apart every day. you can take it once, maybe twice. but not more. cause it's killing you on the inside.

I was not only afraid to face myself but to face my pain. Now I know that I was an emotional wreck and how to deal with that.

Maybe becoming a grown-up is about going through harsh days on our own, learning our lessons with a teacher and dealing with pain (here should underline that first pain is leaving but the one that hurts the most is mostly caused by us reminding, thinking and saying horrible things when looking into mirror) .

6 weeks and 3 days. nothing will change. one year older. maybe one year wiser.
one year closer to becoming a true grown-up.
we'll see.

Raise the Dead - Rachel Rabin

everything is changin', happenin' so fast.

takin' a lot on my head, running around doing more than should

but I am happy. even without him

one song and thousand thoughts...

And we keep running away from ourselves,
from problems,
from people
from the present
from the past
we keep running away because our wounds are still open and we're not strong enough to confront the world
maybe we're still kids who need a help to solve the mystery maybe we're not who we taught we are.

I've been told to be the best but at the same time they were tellin' me I'm not good enough. Didn't matter what I did, I heard 'she sucks. she can't do anythin' good' and I believed that.
I believed I'm worse than others, I believed whatever I'll say will be stupid (because I am stupid) and my dreams are pointless because I'm not good enough to make them come true. Because I'm ordinary.

My point is that I don't fell ordinary. I never did. I was always different. Maybe crazy. I know what people think about me and that it's hard to like me without tryin' to know me ( because who wants to be friends with a crazy person. )

And

I know I'm silly, childish, sometimes even immature but it doesn't mean I'm worse or stupid. Maybe I see things differently. Like today I admitted my brother is fit. and people were like whoa you can't say that. well I can. It's a fact. he's fit. and as his sister I should admit it. I know how much effort he puts to look good, how much time he spends at the gym, takes vitamins, drinks shakes. I know all of that and I'm proud of him cause he does it for himself nor society or girls.
I see things black or white. There's good and there's evil. Simple.

I've learnt few things recently about myself  and I'm going to develop this amazing knowledge about my weird brain.

We can't destroy someone because we think he's different, we can't tell 'em they're useless or ordinary. Because everyone is different in their own extraordinary magical way. We breath with the same air, our hearts pomp blood in the same way, we're looking at the same blue sky so why trying to be better by making others feel small? It doesn't make you taller. It makes you a cheater. You can be better at something like riding a bike, singing or making films but non of us have the power or acquiescence to be better than others because of their status, money or body.

God, I'm so happy I'm no longer in high school. But with what I've learnt in England about life and Carol so far, I would be walking with my head high. But high school is in the past. Buried deep down.
now is present. brand new day.

slowly pieces are coming together to create something big.
going to Poland next month, 2weeks later going to Paris.
couldn't be happier.
and my own McDreamy came back. and I was worried cause 2 guys is too much. we'll see. wanna be on my own now. it's the me time.