lost... literally, lost...

I cannot believe I haven't being here for almost 10 months.
Plenty of things happened over that time.
Well...
I had my ups and downs, little romance with depression, almost quit my job, fall in love, gave up on idea of being in love, lost friends, made some new friendships, graduated, decided to take a gap year, applied for a new job, gave up on new job and started uni to top up my degree, was fighting with my family and friends, now I'm making up to them for being such a horrible little bitch and  I'm here, sitting in front of the screen cause after all, it's the only place where I could say how I actually feel.

and I feel lost. I feel like there's no other way out, no possibility for being me, no strength for fighting.
Sometimes too many opportunities are coming and you think you made a right decision, everybody's happy with your decision like you couldn't make a better one but you're having second thoughts because it might not be the time for such a move, like you should have wait. That's probably the reason why I feel lost because I don't want to give up on my dream and I don't want to disappoint people who believe in me. I don't want my family to be ashamed of me, To crush their trust and support that they've put in me. These people. They gave me so much.  I have promised them I'll fight and I'm afraid I can't keep that promise. I just can't.

I feel like I'm in the corner of a room and all I want is to disappear. Even just for a while. For a short moment or a blink of an eye. Funny, isn't it? The girl who never wanted to be alone, who has so many friends and based hers life on making others happy, making their life special wants to be alone, is separating herself from people caring about her.
I don't know is this the best idea but it's the only one I've got. I'm exhausted. My mind wants to sleep, not to think about problems, to stop rewinding past in order to find moments when everything started falling apart because I can't go back to make them right. I don't know what to do. I'm tired of trying to be perfect, smiley, building the facade of happy girl who's never giving up...
Should I really take a year off in order to figure out what do I want from my life, what do I want from and for myself? Time off to clear my head and to make the stress go because I don't know how long, how much my body can take. Falling apart... Losing ground...
Temptation is big. On the other hand, education was my biggest dream and when it was taken away from me I was devastated. New opportunities came and I gave them up because of another chance for having a full degree. I took it. and now I feel like I'm missing a piece. I've started regretting my decision. Doubts are not helping in finding the balance.

Wish I could be a stone... Lying by the road. Not having any feeling, no emotions or choices, nothing. Just lying there.
Nothing's right. Not like it used to be. Just wanna get back the balance, the life that was making me happy. Real smiles instead of fake ones. Eyes wide open, deep breaths.

But first I have to figure out do I want to run and jump or do I want to write another chapter. Because it might be too early to finish the book of life....

I wish you a very good day

Manchester is under the snow. It looks lovely. Stockport is full of white powder too and t makes me homesick even  more.

Here's  my good day music :

well. I always thought we will survive every disaster. we'll go through the storm together and everything will be okay. because we've got each other. 

It's been ages since our last conversation. I've been home twice. And both times I didn't tell you I'm coming. And now I'm sitting here thinking when can I come again and should I tell you.

Because I'd like to. More than anything. But you're like a stranger. I miss laughs we shared, hugs, support, you sayin' 'bitch make up your mind and live your life the way you want'. you tellin' me everything is gonna be fine. 

yeah we're getting older, growing up. new friends, responsibilities. but we made promises and it's not fair we broke 'em.

it's not fair we did it to each other. made holes in our hearts thinkin' we're replaceable. because this kind of friendship... it happens once in a life time.

don't know what to do. should I let it go. or should I fight. because soon it;s gonna be too late. and if you built a wall already it's pointless because it takes two to fix what's broken between us....

Merry Xmas

"The most important thing in life is your family. There are days you love them and others you don’t, but in the end they’re the people you always come home to. Sometimes it’s the family you’re born into. And sometimes it’s the one you make for yourself."

May you have a happy holiday, shared with your family.

wow long time no see....

looks alike I'm coming here in trouble or when I've got a question or problem.

many things happened. been to Paris, didn't like it. my film almost failed my show almost did too. 

I almost got my heart broken. oh and I've spent a week in Poland. was lovely. disputing the fact I'm more a like in need of a knee surgery. the best case scenario is a physical therapy. well I'll probably need a mental one too. ladies and gentlemen, the crazy auntie has arrived.

the reason why I've came back is tomorrow. or today.

I'm gonna be 22. sounds horrible, ridiculous and pretty much, scary.

it's no longer a child who became an adult. I'm adult now. funny fan fact- still living with parents.

I'm afraid I'm not progressing as fast as I would like to. and I keep failing and hurting people who I love. 

Everything happening around is touching me but only slightly. Like wind, not evolving the changes but you can feel it. but it's not forcing you to take any steps against it. 

got an offer. can keep a flat abroad but have to pay bills. not so bad but then heard how much it would be and started thinking do I even wanna live there one day or when all of my people will be gone would I be paying visits or just leave it the way it is, pretending my nationality never happened. pretending I'm the citizen of the world (but to be true I always felt like one, may have got roots and be attached but world is too big to waist my time for just one place).

My sister's 20. I'm almost 22 (just minutes....) and what are we going to do with our lifes?

do we need a push or are we hiding from the truth?

small fool

sometimes it's about time to fly. we all have wings. just not all of us know how to straight them.
never thought my wings can fly with the wind.
was afraid of using them leaving my safe place.
but it's different now and I'm growing up, turning into a person I always wanted to be.
in about a year my wings will take me far away. that's the plan. but time will show.

I feel like last few months were under control of a gremlin who enjoyed watching me falling apart over and over again. and trust me there's nothing cool in having your soul broken apart every day. you can take it once, maybe twice. but not more. cause it's killing you on the inside.

I was not only afraid to face myself but to face my pain. Now I know that I was an emotional wreck and how to deal with that.

Maybe becoming a grown-up is about going through harsh days on our own, learning our lessons with a teacher and dealing with pain (here should underline that first pain is leaving but the one that hurts the most is mostly caused by us reminding, thinking and saying horrible things when looking into mirror) .

6 weeks and 3 days. nothing will change. one year older. maybe one year wiser.
one year closer to becoming a true grown-up.
we'll see.

Raise the Dead - Rachel Rabin

everything is changin', happenin' so fast.

takin' a lot on my head, running around doing more than should

but I am happy. even without him