Am I useless? or maybe world isn't in need, is it?
I couldn't help but wonder, doesn't fat/curvy people deserve happiness? Or is happiness an exclusive privilege booked for thin people? I know it's silly but I cannot stop thinking about this.
Are we pathetic because we're not fitting into the dress (size 6) at TOP SHOP ?
Are we nothing because we're celebrating meals and we'd like to try new cuisines?
I don't think so. It's like... Well, I always was bigger than other kids but I had a happy childhood. Full of fun & smiles.
Of course there's a big difference between some extra pounds and obesity. That's why 3 years ago I was on a diet. It took a year and a half to fit into size 10/12 but I wasn't happy. Inside I still was an obese girl with a fake smile.
I remember days when vomiting was everything I had. And I remember lies... 'I just felt sick' 'No, everything is fine' etc. I remember turning the tap, sitting next to the toilet and throwing guilt away. I felt guilty cause I ate and people were expecting I'll be losing on weight more and more.
And I'm not sayin' that becasuse I'm lookin' for a compassion or I wanna be an object of pity. I just needed to spit it out. Out loud.
I'm not saying after putting on weight I feel better either. I'm falling to pieces. I'm still miserable and I know I need help of an expert but I'm not even trying' to find it. It's like living in a cage (made by myself) and pretending it's okay while I know it's not.
I've 1 great memory from the diet period. My Grandma is an amazing cook and she was making incredible salads and broccoli toastie. Healthy and yummy. McDonald's and KFC were nothing in comparison to my grandma's cookery, still are nothing. You probably think "fatty have a good memory about food". But it's not only FOOD. Nana made it with all her heart. Cause she cared about mine health. Because she loves me and I know she's the one who sees the bright side of me.
After all, she's my Nana and I'm her gem...