Something inside of me was crying. Exactly, was. It doesn’t hurt as it supposed to. Why? Have I changed? Or maybe I forget about everything what I should remember forever? I’m not sure. And for real I don’t want to be. There are many things which are important and always will be. Family, dreams, career, being happy, books and friends. But what kind of friends we should have to feel free with them without that stupid loneliest when they’re not with us?
I left my life. I came out and closed doors. My old life was good, I thinks so. I lived in pretty house, my grandparents were trying to made me a home, being like my parents. I had friends, books, movies, hobbies. Like a normal teenager I felt in love (many times, heh) and twice I loved for real. I was a part of great school. Somewhere I made mistake. I don’t know where exactly, on which year of high school. My mistake was small, I thought about studying abroad. In Manchester. The University of Manchester looks, hmmm, great? nice? fine? It’s here. That’s all. UM is near place where my close family live, it’s in Manchester which I love (cause this city is: big, multicultural, full of colors and I like it) and it’s one of betters’ universities in UK.
First, UM was a dream. One of this dreams which never came true. Next it became my obsession. All was doing everything to get into. Applying, collecting documents, studying, thinking seriously about higher education in England. I read many articles about studying in UK, I wanted to be ready for everything. It’s like waiting with tissue for sneeze. My parents liked the idea of studying close to them. We had a good contact. We didn’t have a fight since they moved to Stockport. I missed them… Peter knew the most important reason of my decision. The University was in UK, just like my parents. We talked about it many times. Ofcourse I’m like a donkey so I wouldn’t change my mind even staying in Poland with grandparents and friends was very interesting opportunity and there are good universities too. I wouldn’t change my mind because I always want have something more than I usually get from life. I want live in place where I could feel safe, in place where are many people others cultures, where everywhere is individuality, where everyone can be yourself and wear what they want and even they buy something in this same shop, they look different. Because they know how to play with fashion. Not like people in Poland. I’m critical to Poland because Polish thinks too much, we are sad and trying to look sad in our clothes, we’re sayin’ that we are tolerant but we’re not (sic!), our politicians someday will destroy our country and we can’t do many thinks because we spend time on thinking ‘what people say?!’.
I love Poland or things which create my vision of Poland. When I hear “Poland” I’m thinking about woods, Vistula river, Tumy, sea, my family and my bunny, birds who sang for me every day when I woke up and felt asleep. It’s interesting, I don’t think about my friends. Why? They were the most important part of my life, so why I didn’t think about them in first way? I still love them but I am growing up and they have own lives.
Maybe I’m losing my mind. I mean the way I’m forgetting about everything ‘there’. They don’t want let me go but they have to. We haven’t other plan. I haven’t other plan for future. It was something normal for me. I’m just going, with almost all my stuff, leaving them. Even there was pain, they couldn’t say anything what could change my mind. It would be very egoistic if they try. They let me go so now I must let them live without me. I can’t stop them. I won’t be egoistic but I won’t lose them too. So what we can and what is a good way to do? Nobody knows. We must be ourselves and live. Not in lie. In a real world. That’s all. We must be the best version of us, pray to God for help when something goes wrong and have a hope. If someone tells you, he love You, believe him. It’s not so hard. Don’t think he’s lying. Maybe it’s beginning of something great.
I’m sure my decision was the best thing I could do. Even sometimes I think it’s a mistake. Sometimes mistakes create our lives and they can change everything. I hope, my mistake will change everything for better and make my parents proud of me.
* Sorry for any stylistic lapse or any spelling mistakes. It's late, I'm tired and for real no one is perfect...